Terrorist Bear Leaders
The Terrorist Bear Leaders are a coalition of the ten top bears. More specifically, they are the coalition of large bears against truthiness and The Greatest President They have existed since the beginning of time. According to reports by Donald Rumsfeld, they are allied with the Terrorists, Democrats, The Weather, and Men With Beards. They are currently in Iran planning World War III. The Leaders themselves Colbear Colbear is the head of all of the bears and, thusly, of the Terrorist Bear Leaders. He is Stephen Colbert's arch enemy. He is also an anti-American, communist, Islamic, homosexual, abortionist, Pat Robertson-hating fiend. It may be speculated that in the 2008 Presidential election, Colbear will try to use his evil powers to elect Hillary Clinton as President. He has but one true weakness: Stephen Colbert. He is actually the son of Eve and The Serpent. He was reported dead by laser gun in early 2009 (see Battle Bears), but details are hazy. Ice 9 Ice 9 though lesser-known, is to Colbear what Heinrich Himmler was to Adolf Hitler. Biologically engineered in a secret Canadian government testing facility to destroy America, his DNA was constructed from a volatile cocktail of nine test samples taken from Colbear himself, Ted Bundy, Vlad the Impaler, Satan, Pauly Shore, Captain Planet, two of the four members of AC/DC, some French guy, and a gay AIDS monkey. Er- that's actually ten isn't it...? Obviously this has something to do with the fact Canadian money is only worth 9/10's what ours is. Probably even less. Winnie the Pooh More commonly known by his alias "Pooh Bear," Winnie the Pooh Bear, Winnie The Pooh is an overweight bear. He is second in command of the Terrorist Bear Leaders. Although he remains serving time in Siberia for an unnameable offense, he is getting information through a Donkey that visits him at night who goes by the code-name Eeyore. He is predicted to be released soon before the Bear uprising of 2012. His interactions with a boy Christopher Robin have made him suspect of being being involved in NAMBLA's offshoot, NABBLA. Through publishing cult-doctrines like Tao of Pooh, he has launched an attack on Christianity, in spreading China's cult-like beliefs. He has launched an assault on the media through Disney, and is expanding his territory into Japanese fandom through hiding an easter-egg level in a video game called Kingdom Hearts, where he lives in a magical world only accessible through bartering with a wizard and reading a book. Yogi the Bear Yogi the bear instantly became third in command of the Terrorist Bear Leaders when Colbear saw him stealing Picanic baskets from Real Americans. Not much else is known about Yogi the Bear except that he is currently living with President Mahmoud Ahmedinejihad in Iran. Boo-Boo Boo-Boo is Yogi the Bear's homosexual lover. He was drafted into the Terrorist Bear Leaders soon after Yogi. He is currently somewhere in Africa, which may or may not exist. If he is in Africa, which may not exist, perhaps he does not exist? Mario "Mario" is fifth in command of the Terrorist Bear Leaders. He has been widely distributed in media, to give the impression that he is a friendly human. But, in truth, he is just a bear who has mastered the ability of morphing. His main job is to journey through pipes and clog up the tubes of The Internets. Smokey the Bear Smokey the Bear is the sixth in command of the Terrorist Bear Leaders. He is known to "protect against forest fires." It has been noted by top notch sources that it is suspicious that he is everywhere to put of fires, no matter where it is at, making me feel that it is him who is starting the fires. Why? So he can lead unsuspecting humans into his claws and kill them then bury there bodies with his shovel. Kuma Jr. Kuma Jr. is the pet of Heihachi Mishima of the Tekken game series and the seventh in command of the Terrorist Bear Leaders. Ironic, that a bear is the pet of the game's main villain! The truth is he is leading a revolt to kill all people. Luckily, he has not mastered the dark ways yet. Yet.... Others Kuma The total number of terrorist bear cells is unknown, so there may yet be other leaders out there. It is possible that Kuma Jr's father, Kuma, was a leader at one time. He is rumored decreased at the hands of True Ogre, a true American hero, though he might have just got old. Panda Kuma also has a mature female bear lover, simply named Panda (also her species), a sexual deviant who has Kuma under her thumb. Both she and Kuma have intermittently taken control of the Mishima Zaibatsu. Panda has gone a step further and has indoctrinated a young Chinese girl into fursuiting as a Panda, presumably to be a double to provide an alibi during Panda's terrorist exploits, and to prevent assassination attempts. Paddington An agent in England who likes marmalade, he has been seen wearing a suspicious blue trench coat and red hat. He lives rent-free in a house with an english family who are either secret supporters of terrorism, or are possibly being intimidated with bear violence into offering support. Bear Uprising of 2012 The Terrorist Bear Leaders' current main plot is this, the Bear uprising of 2012. In this uprising, major places such as Los Angeles, CA; New York, NY; Chicago, IL; Austin, TX; Houston, TX; Provo, UT; and Marin County, CA will be taken over by the bears but, since New York City, LA, and Marin are already under the liberal bears' control 99.234%, not much will change there. Important cities, though, will be doomed. The only person who can prevent this massacre is Jesus (Pat Robertson), but he will of course, need the help of Stephen Colbert.